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A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

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Post by Rankless Mon May 05, 2008 11:29 pm

wo guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?"

The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh'

The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'Sugar can you please pass me the honey?' She had been querying me who is hell is this sugar ?

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Post by Rankless Mon May 05, 2008 11:30 pm

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper.

He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.

"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me."

"We're eating asshole!!", she screams.

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Post by Rankless Mon May 05, 2008 11:31 pm

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and standing in front of the mirror, rubbing the TP between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked on your ass, didn't it?"

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Post by Rankless Mon May 05, 2008 11:31 pm

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

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Post by Rankless Mon May 05, 2008 11:32 pm

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

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Post by Rankless Mon May 05, 2008 11:32 pm

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

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Post by Rankless Tue May 06, 2008 1:05 am

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'.

She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife
in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina'.......

'Yes' she says...... The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours ?'

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Post by Rankless Tue May 06, 2008 1:07 am

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.

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Post by Rankless Tue May 06, 2008 1:08 am

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

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Post by Rankless Tue May 06, 2008 1:10 am

The new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat. They had spent the day discussing the progress the country had made with the Russians before kicking them out.

"They built us a power plant, an airport, and taught us how to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."

The ambassador looked pained and said, "Russian roulette is a dangerous game." "Right, that's why we invented African roulette; would you like to play?"

"I'm not sure, how does it work?" The African clapped his hands and six gorgeous black women, all nude, came wiggling in. "Choose the one you want to give you oral sex."

"That's a lot better and less risky than Russian roulette..."

"Not when one of them is a cannibal."

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Post by Rankless Tue May 06, 2008 1:11 am

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of the females' thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realizes he is staring and enquires,
"Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry" replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is getting really interested, enquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman.

The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"


Stunned, the man replies, "No Shit!! It can whistle too?!"

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Post by Rankless Tue May 06, 2008 1:12 am

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

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Post by Rankless Tue May 06, 2008 1:12 am

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn't such a bad job. So, he calls in, he goes in and they hire him. The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home and says, "Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That's not enough"

So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to his boss for advice and his boss says, "Look, you're a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something."

So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one.

So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says "Free chips and dip" A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip and says, "This tastes like shit."

And the salesman replied, "Yeah, it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?

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Post by Rankless Tue May 06, 2008 1:14 am

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says,
"If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."

The old man snaps back: "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today."

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Post by Rankless Tue May 06, 2008 1:15 am

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attacked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with durians!"

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Post by Rankless Tue May 06, 2008 1:16 am

A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.

The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."

The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."

The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"

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Post by Rankless Tue May 06, 2008 1:17 am

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his lawyer neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." said the butcher.

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.

Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.

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Post by Rankless Tue May 06, 2008 6:04 pm

A man is walking through the park one day when he comes across a guy sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. "What's wrong?" asks the passerby, sitting down next to the crying man.

"I have a twenty-five inch dick," says the sober.

"So why the hell are you crying? Most guys would kill for one that big!" said the confused Good Samaritan.

"I'm crying," he explains sadly, "because it takes me a week to get a hard-on."

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Post by lancerralliart Fri May 09, 2008 10:14 pm

nice one gt frm my lecturer:

good frens r like underwear...they keep u warm when they are close to u...

however best frens are like viagra...they keep u up when u are down!!!

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Post by Rankless Sat May 10, 2008 12:09 pm

A very 'straight and honest' girl is going to Town. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice: "Daughter, when you're in Town and if you're looking for a match there, you must take note of the following the requirements mother set for you. You must find a man that is faithful', 'thrifty' and must be a 'virgin'.

With this advice from her mother, the girl went to Town. After some months later, she came home to get her mother's blessings to marry.

"Mother, I've met the my match following your instructions. My future husband is faithful because when we went out for holiday one day, he took care of me specifically even though there were so many prettier girls around. Isn't that being faithful?"
Her mother nodded in agreement.

"Then, since the day was getting late in the night and rain was pouring, my boyfriend decided that we stay the night at a hotel. He also suggested that in order not to spend too much, they'll share one room only. Isn't he not thrifty guy?"

For the second time her mother nodded her head in agreement, but with a little concern.

"And finally mum..., I know he is a virgin"

"How did you know he is still a virgin?" The mother asked with repidition. "MMM...his 'that one' is still new and hard.... All wrapped up in plastic, mum !"

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Post by Rankless Sat May 10, 2008 12:10 pm

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."

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Post by Rankless Sat May 10, 2008 12:10 pm

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Jill or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Jill came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said, "Jill , I have never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Couldn't you just jack off?" she says. "I don't feel well today."

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Post by Rankless Sat May 10, 2008 12:14 pm

Background info: Chia Hong Chu ('eat wind house' = bungalow), Goh Pang
Sek(5-room design - HDB 5-room) and Sah Pang Sek (HDB 3-room).


Subject: Char Kway Teow - S'pore style



Maybe this is how the Gahmen (government) should explain it......


Char Kway Teow

Three friends went to their usual favorite char kway teow stall in the HDB food centre. They were Chia Hong Chu, Goh Pang Sek and Sah Pang Sek.

The char kway teow stall was crowded, and there was a long queue.

"Ah Pui! Three plates, hah!" cried Chia Hong Chu.

"Sure, boss! Coming!"

Within the next 2 minutes, the first plate of char kway teow came and was ploked in front of Chia Hong Chu. "Where two more?" "Wait lah! Coming! See long queue!"

Chia Hong Chu tucked in his char kway teow. Half an hour passed, and the second plate came, ploked in front of Goh Pang Sek. "Where my?" cried Sah Pang Sek. "Coming lah!" said Ah Pui.

Goh Pang Sek tucked in his plate, and another half an hour passed before the 3rd plate came, ploked right in front of Sah Pang Sek. "Wah! Got to wait so long ah!" said Sah Pang Sek. "Don't make noise, Mr Sah. You get same good char kway teow, best in Singapore!"

When they have finished eating and chatting, Chia Hong Chu called out: "Ah Pui! Collect money, ah!"

Ah Pui came over. "Sah Pang Sek, $3. Goh Pang Sek, $5. Chia Hong Chu,$10."

"Wah! Robbery! I always pay $3. Why $10 now?"

"Ai yah, Chia Hong Chu. You don't read newspapers meae? You don't watch TV mare? This is gahmen food centre, heavily subsidised rent. Last time hah, everyone eat my char kway teow subsidised because cheap rent. Now upgrade. See new clean tables, new chairs, ceiling fans? Cost money,you know. And we have means test now. Ah Chia, you live in chia hong chu (holiday bungalow),and you pay full, no subsidy. $10. You don't like, don't eat here. You eat in hotel in Orchard Road."

"But I get the same food!"

"No. You get 5 more harms , and you get served first, no need to wait. 5 harm service1"

"What about me? Why $5 when I pay $3 last time?" cried Mr Goh. "And I wait half hour!"

"Ah Goh. You also kinna means test. You live in goh pang sek (5 room flat), you wait only 30 minutes, I subsidise 50%. And you get 3 more harms -- 3 harm service."

"Why I wait 1 hour and no extra harm? So damned hungry I can die waiting ah! And why no extra harm? Not nice with no extra harm."

"Won't die lah. We give you same good food. No extra harm. No frills. But you wait. Wait and wait. You get your char kway teow, I make sure you don't die. You pay only $3. Heavily subsidised -- 70%. Because, Ah Sah, you live in sah pang sek (3 room flat)! You see, we have limited resources. Can only fry so many plates one night. Only so much manpower. So must ration, lah. Everything goes up -- petrol, cooking oil, gas, harm, kway teow, light, labour....And we give better service -- 5 harm service,like Orchard Road 5 star service."

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Post by Rankless Sat May 10, 2008 12:16 pm

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later."

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see -- I don't want to go toIraq ."

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to
Iraq either."

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Post by Rankless Sat May 10, 2008 12:18 pm

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

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