A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Fri May 16, 2008 11:40 pm

Watch

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. "Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny. "Nope." replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?". Again Jimmy says "Nope." "You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of
lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by mammothboot on Sat May 17, 2008 11:38 pm

A little insulting but take it lightly. haha.

How much would it cost to (telephone) call Singapore from Hell? You’d be surprised!

Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton and Lee Kuan Yew die and go to hell. But the devil has only one phone there. Queen says, I miss my England, can I use your phone and hear how my people are doing down there.

She calls and talks about five minutes. Then she asks: Well devil, how much do I owe you for the call? The devil says: Five million pounds. She writes him a cheque and goes back to her chair .

Clinton wants to make a call too. He says I wanna call the US. He talks about ten minutes, then asks how much do I owe you devil? The devil says Ten million dollars He also writes a cheque and goes back to his seat

Lee Kuan Yew is jealous. He says I want to call Singapore. He calls and talks for about an hour to his son Lee Hsien Loong who is busy trying to find Mas Selamat. Then he asks the devil how much do I owe you?

The devil replies: only one dollar. Lee Kuan Yew is shocked and asks ‘why so little?’.

The devils says: if you make a call from one hell to another, IT’S LOCAL CALL.
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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Tue May 20, 2008 2:19 am

What's worse than getting a pregnant elephant in a Volkswagen?
Getting an elephant pregnant in a Volkswagen.

What is a gay masochist?
A sucker for punishment.

What's the ultimate rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Tue May 20, 2008 2:36 am

Husband or Wife

A nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge evil looking guy.

The big guy says, "I want to have some sex. You wanna be the husband or the wife?"

The accountant replies, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband."

The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick."

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Tue May 20, 2008 2:40 am

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier.

With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier.

In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.

"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."

"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Tue May 20, 2008 2:54 am

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual the wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed.

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly the woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him.

So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly.

In the morning, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon
attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or what we did, but we took first and second place."

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Tue May 20, 2008 8:29 pm

Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact."

The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?"

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.

The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, and there was not a trace of chalk dust left on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt.

"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a Double-Barrel!"

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Tue May 20, 2008 8:47 pm

Before you leave your house…
1. Put on a little too much cologne.
2. Before you leave home, fill your pockets with mints. When your date says something to you when she’s really close, give her a mint. EX: Girl - ”This movie sure is romantic.” Guy - ”Here’s a mint, now what did you say?”

When you go to pick her up:
1. When you get to her door, don’t knock or ring the doorbell, just go on in. She’s expecting you.
2. Call her parents by their first names.
3. If she asks you how she looks, and her parents are nearby, tell her she looks sexy.
4. When introducing yourself to her parents, tell them that you prefer to go by your gang name.
5. Always look nice when you meet the parents. Wear a new Marlboro jacket and be sure to tell them how many Marlboro bucks it took to get it. Parents smile upon a man that can save his Marlboro money.
6. Show respect. Take your Fubu cap and matching coat off when you enter the house. Make sure you wear your cap and coat in the summer too. If her parents ask why, tell them that you’re ”keepin’ it real.”

On the way to wherever:
1. Do NOT let her touch the radio or the air conditioner. You are the man, make sure she knows that.
2. If she makes up for lost time by putting on her lipstick in the car, gently tap the brakes at the same time the lipstick touches her mouth.
3. Check out the girl in the other car while at the stoplight.
4. If you pick the girl up from home at 6:45, have someone call you on the cell phone at 7:00 and talk to them till you get to your destination, this way you won’t have to worry about what to say to her.
5. Drive ten miles BELOW the speed limit.
6. Develop a really bad Pee Wee Herman impression and talk to her through it.

When you arrive at your destination:
1. If you go to the movies, flirt with the girl at the ticket counter.
2. If you go to a restaurant, say you’re really hungry. Let her order first. Since you’ll be eating heavy, she’ll probably order a big meal, too. When she finishes, order a small coke and a box of McDonaldland cookies.
3. If you get nervous, just pretend that she’s one of your guy friends. At the end of the meal, say: ”Boy, you ate everything but the table.” Say it with confidence.
4. Be classy. If you eat at McDonald’s, leave a tip.

On the way back to her house: Take your cell phone and call another girl. Ask her to do something with you in about an hour.

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Thu May 22, 2008 3:26 am

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny give away gestures that can tell you so much about a person.
Train yourself to recognize these key "signs."

~ Man gets in car without opening door for woman. - No foreplay.

~ Can't hail a cab. - Impotent.

~ Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. - Prefers virgins.

~ Insists on going to a brand new restaurant, but gets lost on the way. - He is a virgin.

- Wants go to a French Restaurant. - Will swallow.

~ Takes too long deciding what to order. - Has trouble reaching orgasm.

~ Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.

~ Asks what the specials are. - Will want you to use handcuffs.

~ Fills up on bread and crackers. - Premature ejaculator.

~ Drinks decaf. - Fakes orgasms.

~ Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts. - Needs you to talk dirty during sex.

~ Credit card is refused. - Low sperm count.

~ Under tips waiter. - Small penis.

~ Uses toothpick. - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Thu May 22, 2008 3:28 am

The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like "cunt" and "cock" scrawled all over the blackboard.

She suspected Little Johnny, but could not prove it.

"Children," she said, addressing the classroom, "you are much too young to use vile language like that. Now we're all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on the board to tiptoe up and erase them."

At the signal, the teacher and the children all closed their eyes.

Then the teacher counted out loud, very slowly. She peeked and saw Little Johnny leave his seat. When she reached fifty, she said, "All right.

Everybody open their eyes." She was very pleased with Little Johnny for doing the right thing.

All eyes went to the blackboard, but none of the words were erased.

Below them was the message: "Fuck you, teacher! The Phantom strikes again!"

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Thu May 22, 2008 3:52 am

Little Danny and his pal Terry were walking in the park when they passed three ladies eating bananas on a bench. "Howdy ladies," Little Danny said as he passed three women.

"Do you know them?" Terry asked.

"No," Little Danny replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."

"How in the world did you know all that about them ladies?" asked Terry.

"That's easy. The nun ate the banana by holding it with one hand and used the fingers of the other hand to properly break the banana into small pieces."

"The prostitute," he continued, "grabbed the banana with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."

"That's pretty impressive!" Terry exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"

"Oh, that was the easiest," explained Little Danny, "She was the
one who held the banana with one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Thu May 22, 2008 3:52 am

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said "No".

The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick that ran over my frog.....

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Fri May 23, 2008 3:10 am

Football FINALLY makes sense.......

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked her first football game experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all those big muscles! Wow! But... I just can't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, and scratching his head. her date asked, "What do you mean, 'over 25 cents'?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Fri May 23, 2008 12:57 pm

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him of this habit. So one night, while they
were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on
the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger
than a real one. She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me
all of these years? You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the e yes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy . . You explain the kids.'

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Thu May 29, 2008 3:44 pm

police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking inward quickly.

"They were smoking marijuana too?" said the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" queried the officer.
The monkey motioned with his fingers...

"Having sex!. They were having sex, too!?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes," nodded the monkey.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and having sex before they wrecked?"
"Yes," the Monkey nodded.
"What were you doing during all this?" asked the Officer.
"Driving," motioned the monkey.

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Thu May 29, 2008 3:46 pm

QUESTIONS THAT PUZZLED ME!




1. If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?


2. Can you cry under water?



3. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


4. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?


5. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


6. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


7. What disease did cured ham actually have?


8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


9. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?


10. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


11. Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


12. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


13. Why do doctors leave the room while you change?


14. They're going to see you naked anyway.


15. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


16. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


17. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


18. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?


19. If the pro fessor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


20. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!


21. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


22. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


23. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


24. Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


25. Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


26. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


27. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


28. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?


29. Save the Earth... it's the only planet with chocolate!!!!


So anyone can help to answer ?

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Thu May 29, 2008 3:48 pm

SEX CRAZED BOSS

She says "My boss is so sex crazed. Every time he comes into the office, I must do the LAPTOP position, and then the DESKTOP position, followed by the SPREADSHEET format".

"I must LOAD UP his SOFT DISK into a HARD DISK, so that he can INSERT it in my C DRIVE and then the A DRIVE".

Then he'll ask me to EJECT his SOFTWARE outside my C DRIVE so that he is VIRUS FREE. Then he changes his mind and decides to ENTER, ENTER, ENTER the whole day till he is in MICROSOFT stage. Once I tried to ESC (escape) but he caught me and SHIFTed me to his HOME where he started pressing BACKSPACE, and said "TURNOVER".

Today, many times he works without CAPS LOCK (without "cap" or "helmet") and sometimes as an ALTernative he CRASHES @ my SYSTEM until he loses his CTRL (control) and again he LOGS IN...

This process may continue until I SHUT DOWN his MAIN SYSTEMS!

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Fri Jun 06, 2008 12:58 pm

Marriage is not a word

1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).

2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.

4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffeRING.

5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens.

6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

17. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.

18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.

19. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.

21. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.

22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.

23. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

24. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL-MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE. WHAT HAPPENED, asked his friend. He says MY WIFE FOUND OUT.

25. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lighs on.

26. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I, AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.

27. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.

28. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

29. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

30. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.

_________________
"Treat me like an angel and I'll be your lil' devil."

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by lancerralliart on Mon Jul 14, 2008 12:02 am

A couple designed a codename for having sex as they did not want their kids to noe...
so whenever one of them wants to hav sex...they would say "typewriter"...

one day, a man felt the urge to hav sex...so he asked his son:" boy go to mummy and tell her i nid the typewriter."

the boy did so. as she was washing the dishes, the mother replied:"tell ur father tat im buzy rite now"
the boy did exactly tat.

a while later, the mother was free and asked her son to tell the father tat the typewriter was ready...

the father said:" tell ur mom tat i've already handwritten"

_________________
Crusader of the forgotten darkness...Eleanor, where are you?

I was alone from the start...I shall be alone to the end...Its my decision...

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by lancerralliart on Sun Aug 03, 2008 11:53 pm

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home.

I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too -even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,
Rosie.

At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO". Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS:
Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home. I love you!

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by mammothboot on Mon Aug 04, 2008 9:47 am

...........tio scam.

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by lancerralliart on Fri Aug 15, 2008 11:53 pm

Lee Sum Wan : Hello can I speak to Annie Wan?
Mr Sori : Yes you could speak to me.
Lee Sum Wan : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Mr Sori : You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Lee Sum Wan : Im Sum Wan. And i need to talk to Annie Wan! Its urgent.
Mr Sori : I know u are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But whats this urgent matter about?
Lee Sum Wan : Well, just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.
Mr Sori : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident, that is'nt an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but i dont have time for this!!!
Lee Sum Wan : You are rude. Who are you?
Mr Sori : Im Sori.
Lee Sum Wan : You should be sorry. Now give me your name!
Mr Sori : Im Sori!!
Lee Sum Wan : I don't like your tone of voice mister and I don't care, give me your name!
Mr Sori : Look lady, I told you already I'm Sori! I'm Sori!! I'm SORI!!! You didn't even give me your name!
Lee Sum Wan : I told u before I'm Sum Wan! Sum Wan!!! You better be careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in the company. He is Noe Buddy.
Mr Sori : Oh I'm so scared(sarcastically). Look I dont care about your uncle he's a nobody. Everybody thinks his top dog and holding an important position in the company.
Lee Sum Wan : No, Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy doesn't work there.
Mr Sori : Like i said i dont care which one of your aunt screws everybody and i also know that not everybody works here! Jeez!!!
Lee Sum Wan : Wheech Wan is my sister!
Mr. Sori : I don't know which one is your sis! Why in God's name you think i do!? Look i got work to do and if i'm feeling mischievious i'll broadcast it on the P.A system saying.

"Attention, someone called and said that anyone's brother just got involved in an accident. But not to worry no one got injured and no one was sent to the hospital. But everyone is going to the hospital anyways. The father maybe a somebody but if you're their uncle, you're a nobody." How bout that!?

toot..........toot.........toot.......

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I was alone from the start...I shall be alone to the end...Its my decision...

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by lancerralliart on Fri Dec 26, 2008 9:22 pm

The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the Primary 1.My sister is in Primary 3 and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in Primary 3 too!"
The teacher took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the Primary 1, and behave. The teacher agreed.
Harry was brought in. The conditions were explained, and Harry agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?”Harry: "36"?

And so it went with every question the principal thought a Primary 1 student should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her “I think Harry can go to Primary 3."The teacher says to the principal, "May I ask him some tougher questions?"The principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two?"

Harry: "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

(The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)

Harry: "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, and it is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

(The principal's e open really wide and before he could stop the answer....)

Harry: "Coconut."

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

Harry: "Bubblegum."

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and dog do on three legs?"

(The principal's e open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

Harry: "Shake hands."Teacher: "

Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do." Who am I?

Harry: "A Tent."

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." What am I?

(Principal was looking restless and a bit tense)

Harry: "A Wedding Ring."

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, I feel good." What am I?

Harry: "A Nose."

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver." What am I?

Harry: "An Arrow."

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put this ass in Primary 6! "I got the last 10 questions all wrong myself."

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Crusader of the forgotten darkness...Eleanor, where are you?

I was alone from the start...I shall be alone to the end...Its my decision...

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

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